Thoughts on backsliding in our faith

There is a phenomenon that I have witnessed in many people who have come to faith in Jesus Christ, who over time seem to lose their forward momentum and relinquish the power and authority we have in him and return to old ways of living again. In full honesty, this was my own experience for many years of my adult life. What I ponder now is, what causes this? Knowing this is a question with many possible answers, I will here only discuss what I can personally attest to, which I do believe to be very common in our world.

I would submit to you that perhaps this "backsliding" has a lot to do with pain. I would say that this pain is not just physical, but also includes (perhaps more often) emotional pain and trauma. I would also add that this would not just be the painful things themselves that we have endured, but rather what we think and believe about those events, and how we manage the emotions that go along with them. I believe the problem for us arises when we have a lack of trust in Jesus to handle these highly guarded areas of our heart, often due to issues we have with trust based on our prior experiences. I believe that God has designed our minds in a way that allow defenses to be put into place to help us to survive those situations when they happened. Although a defense we may have developed as a child in reaction to a painful event certainly had a purpose at the time (when we lacked skills and resources to cope in a healthier way), these defenses often do not serve us well as adults and can cause lots of problems in our lives.

I also recognize that as human beings, especially in our modern Western culture, that we have a nature bent towards comfort and a tendency to try and avoid pain at all costs. This seems to me in a way by design, but what if our cultural view on pain is of great detriment to our minds and spirits as well? What if, the pain we experience when feeling negative emotions is actually by design too, intending to point us in the direction of where the source problem is that needs to be addressed? I would also submit that not all cultures have viewed pain in the way our modern one does, as something to be avoided at all costs, embracing a very individualistic view of suffering.

What if we can begin to view pain and suffering as a way in which God reveals to us the things within ourselves that need to be further refined, the things that ultimately keep us from experiencing his love in full measure, what would happen then? What if, when confronted by the emotional pain of our past, instead of choosing to numb out with alcohol, drugs, medication, food, shopping addictions, workaholism, and a long list of other things, what if we chose to face those things head on and invite the Lord to help us to see what defenses we are acting out of and to show us his truth in those areas? How would that change our hearts towards ourselves, those around us, and especially the Lord himself?

Jesus did not ever beat around the bush about pain and suffering, he was very clear that those who follow him will face many challenges and hardships, but the picture he paints is clear, he walks through it with us, and there is renewed life on the other side of the pain. It is therefore my conclusion that a very common cause of this "backsliding," is really caused by our desire to avoid pain and suffering at the end of the day. When Jesus calls us to follow him, there is to be a dying of our old self to make room for who God is calling us to be in him. Paul said "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here," (2 Corinthians 5:17).

I will admit that when I first became a Christian years ago, I think I subconsciously adopted a common way of thinking in our Western Christian culture that indirectly sends a message that when we accept Jesus all the painful things of our past should be gone! Right? I'm afraid that's just not what I see in scripture. When "...Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me," (Matthew 16:24 ESV) I don't see a picture of an easy life at all. I believe this verse is describing the process of sanctification that we are all called to go through when we accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and savior. This involves self sacrifice, the putting aside of our own ambitions for the sake of becoming holy for God's purposes. Knowing how pain and trauma have affected my own life, and my relationship with the Lord, I can say that without facing those things I could not continue to grow in my relationship with him. How could I if I choose to keep building walls that keep him out? I'll offer that most of us probably don't build walls to directly keep out the Lord, but walls are walls, they are intended to block something from getting in or out. If He has called us to "...be transformed by the renewing of your mind," (Romans 12:2 NIV) I just don't see how this is possible if we aren't giving him access to the darkest recesses of who we are, past and present. If we are self medicating with substances or activities or whatever, then we are not truly relying on God fully, we are building walls and compartments and telling him that he doesn't get to go in there. We can do this, it's our choice, but I believe it is a way to either stop growing in our faith, or to lose it altogether. We need to believe that we can trust Jesus, he is safe, and we can trust him with the most painful events of our lives.

CrossCounsel LWC Orientation Testimony

I was given an opportunity to share my personal testimony and experience with CrossCounsel International Ministries at an orientation event held at Living Water Church, and I was honored to be part of the experience. Below is the transcript of my testimony that I shared at the event:

 Shane Buol - CrossCounsel LWC Orientation Testimony

Hi my name is Shane and I’ve been coming to CrossCounsel since August of this year, but first I want to tell you about myself and what brought me here.

I had a rocky start to life, having young parents who both came from broken homes. I experienced a lot of dysfunction stemming from drug and alcohol abuse in my home, sexual abuse at the hands of a neighbor boy, and many other things. As a young man I started using drugs to escape my reality. Eventually, my parents quit drinking and became Christians, which led to me placing my faith in Jesus as well, although the core issues of my past had at this point still gone unaddressed. During my senior year of high school I was listening to some dark heavy metal music that triggered memories of the sexual abuse from my childhood and I suddenly realized that what happened to me was not normal, and I sank into a dark depression. After confiding in a friend that I was thinking about committing suicide, he called my parents and told them he was worried about me. My parents got me into counseling right away, which was my first experience in the chair. Although that method of counseling didn’t address the core feelings I had buried inside, it did provide a way for me to reframe the past and I was able to move forward without wanting to end my life.

As an adult I found myself struggling with substance abuse in various forms. As time went on, I began to realize that this was not a sustainable pattern. In 2018, I had been working long hours at my job, and my mother-in-law passed away from cancer. These events triggered what I consider some form of a mental breakdown, and my emotional walls began to crumble. I knew I needed help, so I set out to find a place that could help me sort through my issues. The first place used traditional talk therapy, and it did help in that it provided a safe space to share some of the things I kept closely guarded, but it still did not address the core issues inside. I eventually stopped going and found myself in the same cycles as before. I found another place that used more advanced methods of therapy, and I saw some wins there. That was the first time I had experience with going back to childhood memories and allowing myself to feel them. I realized for the first time how significant several of those events were and how they shaped my behavior up to that point. After going through the MELT process later with CrossCounsel, I can now see that the insights I had experienced at that place fell in line with the first half of the MELT process (M & E). It didn’t address the false beliefs I had internalized though, so I again found myself repeating cycles of past behaviors.

Around this time, I had begun to hear about CrossCounsel through the Men of Fire group at Living Water. I began listening to the podcasts regularly and couldn’t deny the power of the testimonies I would hear on there. After experiencing a bout of anxiety on a recent camping trip, I knew I had more work to do. This time, I set up my first session with CrossCounsel. To date, I have seen results in some form during each session, but I had a profound moment of truth I experienced in my most recent session just a few weeks ago.

That session was inspired by a situation that happened between my wife and I, where I reacted in my opinion, like an immature little boy. I came into my session wanting to dig at whatever was underneath this event, and I went to 4 or 5 memories from my childhood. Not long after that, I experienced a peace and warmth that came over me and I just started crying. It was as if the Lord drew a line through all of those memories and showed me that I had felt unsafe in all of them. After that, I felt the Lord tell me, “I am safe.” The effect this had on me was immediate. Although I had always known in my head that Jesus was safe, I knew that my heart just believed it for the first time. It felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. When I got home I shared my experience with my wife and my two older kids, explaining how the past memories connected with the present. As the next few weeks unfolded, I noticed that I didn’t feel the desire to guard my heart like I used to. I also wanted to share my experience with as many people as I could, because it was so powerful to me. I shared my story with several guys at Men of Fire, with some friends, and even with my Dad, who was able to confirm one of the memories and offer his own perspective on it. All of these experiences felt like a domino effect to me, like God was showing me how when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest, he will use our pain and bring something good from it. I think it was no coincidence that at this same time I was reading through Ezekiel 37, which is about his vision of the valley of dry bones. It was as if He was showing me that it’s not enough to get the skeletons out of the closet, He wants to put tendons and flesh on them and put them to use. He wants to breathe life into the dark recesses of our mind, so we can experience His love in full measure.

Faith in the fiery furnace

In this morning's Bible reading I read the classic story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego getting thrown into the fiery furnace after they refused to worship a false god that Nebuchadnezzar had constructed for himself. I am struck by the faith of these young men, truly in awe and wondering how I would respond in a situation like that. In our modern Western society, we may not be dealing with large golden statues anymore, but be assured, there are false gods surrounding us and demanding our worship every day. The one who puts his faith in the Lord can be certain they will face hardships in this world, the Bible is full of examples of this and Jesus himself told us as much, "‭‭I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world," (John‬ ‭16:33‬ ‭NIV‬‬).

 The question I think we need to ask ourselves is, where is our trust? Do we really trust God with the entirety of our lives, even when things in our life look different than what we imagined for ourselves? Or are we more like Job, who when his wife told him to curse God and die said back to her, "‭‭You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble,” (Job‬ ‭2:10‬ ‭NIV‬‬)? When you read Job's story, it is remarkable to see what he endured, literally tragedy after tragedy, and although Job vented his frustration and emotions at God, the Bible says he never sinned in what he said, because he still trusted in who God was despite incredible hardship. To be able to have this sort of perspective in hard times, I think it is imperative that we know God and His character, we do this by studying His word, praying, and being in community with other believers regularly. I think God has given us all these stories to give us courage and to know that we can trust Him, even when our dreams are shattered. When He has the full trust of our heart, we can endure difficult times knowing that although we feel the heat of the fiery furnace, we know that the Lord is in there with us, and He will never leave us.

"Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up,” (Daniel‬ ‭3:16‭-‬18‬ ‭NIV‬‬).