Have you ever wondered if you have found your soulmate? Have you ever wondered what people mean when they say, "soulmate?" According to American Heritage Dictionary online, a soulmate is either:
1) One of two persons compatible with each other in disposition, point of view, or sensitivity.
2) Someone with whom one has a special, almost spiritual connection.
I remember when I was much younger, I bought into what I think most people think about the idea of a soulmate, which is more like the second definition I just shared. In this concept of a "soulmate," there is essentially one person in the world that was made for you, and when you find that person, life will be just great together. On the surface, this idea of only one person out there in the world for you sounds so romantic, but in practice I think that it ends up turning into a license for people to leave their spouse or partner once they are no longer feeling the sparks they felt at the beginning of the relationship, so I no longer buy into this disastrous way of thinking.
In a sense, I still believe in the idea of a "soulmate," but I believe in what the bible has to say about it. In the book of Genesis, we read that God is the creator of marriage, as he instituted it from the very beginning between a man and a woman: "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh," -Genesis 2:24 NIV. When a man and woman join together in marriage, they become "one flesh," or one person, in a sense. Obviously we are still individuals in our personal sense, but in terms of how we are to operate together, we are one. In this way, I now believe in the idea of a soulmate to reflect the biblical idea of marriage, held together with the biblical definition of love, while honoring the commitment made to God and the spouse.
Today, as I celebrate my 24th wedding anniversary with my beautiful wife Stephanie, I have included a few pictures in my post back from when we were just dating, and as I look at them I have a lot of things go through my mind. For one, I remember how much fun we used to have when we just started hanging out as friends. Eventually, we started dating, and we still had fun together no matter what we did. As I look back through the years, I can see that one of the things I have valued so much with my amazing wife, is our underlying friendship. No matter what we have gone through, I have always viewed her as my best friend, in addition to being my wife. We can have fun together no matter what we are doing, and I think that keeps life lighthearted, so we don't get so serious that we forget how to have a good time together. I love having fun with my wife, she is that absolute best person to hang out with, and I have always loved that about her.
Another thing I think about as I look at these old pictures, is how absolutely selfish I was back then. As I think about the fact that I was 19 or 20 years old at the time, I just lacked a lot of life experience that I have gained since then. In a way, I think that is totally normal for anyone at that age, and it shows up in a relationship, where you are just totally infatuated with the person you are "in love with," and you almost have no regard for anyone else in your life. Besides young age, I think elements of this are true in any relationship at the very beginning, and is what some refer to as "the honeymoon phase." This is the part of the relationship where everything is new and exciting, and you can almost forget that the other person is a human being just like you, who in time you will come to realize also has faults and can push your buttons in ways you didn't realize in the first year or so you were together. In a way, this phase of the relationship is itself selfish, as we feel elated to be the object of someone else's affection, and it gives our ego a boost and we feel good about ourselves. At this point in the relationship, both are feeling that way about each other, so for a time, they both really think they have found their soulmate based on those feelings alone, and from here on out, everything should feel this way, and they were made to be together. Right? Wrong.
The reality is that the honeymoon phase never lasts for anyone. If you don't realize that going into a relationship, and you basically believe that in this whole world of billions of people, there is only one person that is made for you, how do you feel when the sparks stop flying between the two of you? Sadly, many will decide that they must have been wrong and that things just weren't meant to be, and they will go on to stage two of what could be a lifelong quest of trying to find that one person that makes them feel those sparks again, with no regard for the other people that are caught in the middle. This is why I think the modern idea of a "soulmate" is an absolute disaster, and I don't believe it's true at all. I now believe that my soulmate is the one that I have chosen to pair my life with, as declared to them in an oath and promise to God. Biblical love is what holds a marriage together, not lovey-dovey feelings that will come and go with the challenges of life.
After 24 years of marriage and reflection, I now think that the most romantic idea of a marriage is one that reflects it the way God designed it, and is held together by the type of love that Christ has for his people. It is the kind of love that wakes up every day and says, regardless of how I feel right now, I choose to love this person not because they make me feel better about myself, but because I am putting them before myself, as Jesus has done for us, and because I made a promise and a lifelong commitment to that person, and that means something. When we put God at the center of our marriage first, and if each of us is pursuing Christ individually, we are no longer trying to use that person to fill the void in ourselves that only God can fill. The reality is that no person is able to fill that void, and it will always have disastrous results in the end. If my focus is on Christ before my wife, it enables me to handle conflict differently as well when it inevitably comes up. Instead of looking at conflict as something my spouse caused, I can choose to look at myself and try to see which parts of my own brokenness contributed to the situation, and asking God what I can learn from it so I can grow to be more like Christ.
I think one of the greatest challenges of our day that contributes to marital difficulty, is that we have lost the idea of what love actually is. With the culture putting out wishy-washy definitions of love that are devoid of any real substance, we have to look elsewhere to know what true love is supposed to look like. I mean, if we don't understand what love actually is, then how can we honestly expect to find love in a marriage with our spouse? The longer I have been married to my amazing wife, and the more I have matured in my faith with God, the more I have understood that when the biblical principles of love are applied to a marriage, it just works better. The bible has so much to say about love, but I'll just share a couple key teachings that I think everything else hinges on.
Jesus shared a powerful picture of what biblical love looks like by living it out himself, and he shared what it looks like when he said: "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends," -John 15:12-13 NIV. On the same note, Jesus also said to, "Love your neighbor as yourself," -Matthew 22:39 NIV. Now, you may say that Jesus didn't say those things about a spouse though. I would say that the teaching is a universal principle, applied to all relationships. In line with much else that Jesus taught, the ironic thing about following Christ is that the more you put your own selfish ambitions aside and put others before yourself, the more you will find true happiness and satisfaction that results from living as Christ did. It should not be surprising that these principles will also produce fruit inside of a marriage between a husband and wife. The more I put my wife's needs before my own, the more she will feel loved by me and in turn will probably want to do that same for me in return. This is what a God-centered marriage should look like. I did not say that it's easy, but it is what we are called to do if we are to love as Christ loves us.
By no means am I saying that I have this all figured out. God knows, and my wife sure knows, that I have plenty of faults and other things that still show up in my daily life. We don't have a marriage that is free from conflict by any means, but when conflict does show up, we know we will work through it together and we will come out on the other side stronger, because we choose to love each other in spite of our shortcomings. I am so thankful and honored to have enjoyed 24 years together with my best friend Stephanie, because I can't imagine going through life with anyone else by my side. I am so thankful to have a wife who chooses to put God first in our marriage, before me, knowing that I can never fill every need that she has, and she doesn't expect me to. I am so thankful to have a wife who for some reason still chooses to love me everyday after she wakes up and sees me with all of my faults. Stephanie my dear, you mean the absolute world to me, I thank God all of the time for you. I am eternally grateful for your friendship and your love for me and our family. You are a wonderful woman who I love so much, and I am hoping and praying for 24 more years to go, and then some! I love you forever, happy anniversary babe. 😘
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