Thoughts on backsliding in our faith

There is a phenomenon that I have witnessed in many people who have come to faith in Jesus Christ, who over time seem to lose their forward momentum and relinquish the power and authority we have in him and return to old ways of living again. In full honesty, this was my own experience for many years of my adult life. What I ponder now is, what causes this? Knowing this is a question with many possible answers, I will here only discuss what I can personally attest to, which I do believe to be very common in our world.

I would submit to you that perhaps this "backsliding" has a lot to do with pain. I would say that this pain is not just physical, but also includes (perhaps more often) emotional pain and trauma. I would also add that this would not just be the painful things themselves that we have endured, but rather what we think and believe about those events, and how we manage the emotions that go along with them. I believe the problem for us arises when we have a lack of trust in Jesus to handle these highly guarded areas of our heart, often due to issues we have with trust based on our prior experiences. I believe that God has designed our minds in a way that allow defenses to be put into place to help us to survive those situations when they happened. Although a defense we may have developed as a child in reaction to a painful event certainly had a purpose at the time (when we lacked skills and resources to cope in a healthier way), these defenses often do not serve us well as adults and can cause lots of problems in our lives.

I also recognize that as human beings, especially in our modern Western culture, that we have a nature bent towards comfort and a tendency to try and avoid pain at all costs. This seems to me in a way by design, but what if our cultural view on pain is of great detriment to our minds and spirits as well? What if, the pain we experience when feeling negative emotions is actually by design too, intending to point us in the direction of where the source problem is that needs to be addressed? I would also submit that not all cultures have viewed pain in the way our modern one does, as something to be avoided at all costs, embracing a very individualistic view of suffering.

What if we can begin to view pain and suffering as a way in which God reveals to us the things within ourselves that need to be further refined, the things that ultimately keep us from experiencing his love in full measure, what would happen then? What if, when confronted by the emotional pain of our past, instead of choosing to numb out with alcohol, drugs, medication, food, shopping addictions, workaholism, and a long list of other things, what if we chose to face those things head on and invite the Lord to help us to see what defenses we are acting out of and to show us his truth in those areas? How would that change our hearts towards ourselves, those around us, and especially the Lord himself?

Jesus did not ever beat around the bush about pain and suffering, he was very clear that those who follow him will face many challenges and hardships, but the picture he paints is clear, he walks through it with us, and there is renewed life on the other side of the pain. It is therefore my conclusion that a very common cause of this "backsliding," is really caused by our desire to avoid pain and suffering at the end of the day. When Jesus calls us to follow him, there is to be a dying of our old self to make room for who God is calling us to be in him. Paul said "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here," (2 Corinthians 5:17).

I will admit that when I first became a Christian years ago, I think I subconsciously adopted a common way of thinking in our Western Christian culture that indirectly sends a message that when we accept Jesus all the painful things of our past should be gone! Right? I'm afraid that's just not what I see in scripture. When "...Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me," (Matthew 16:24 ESV) I don't see a picture of an easy life at all. I believe this verse is describing the process of sanctification that we are all called to go through when we accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and savior. This involves self sacrifice, the putting aside of our own ambitions for the sake of becoming holy for God's purposes. Knowing how pain and trauma have affected my own life, and my relationship with the Lord, I can say that without facing those things I could not continue to grow in my relationship with him. How could I if I choose to keep building walls that keep him out? I'll offer that most of us probably don't build walls to directly keep out the Lord, but walls are walls, they are intended to block something from getting in or out. If He has called us to "...be transformed by the renewing of your mind," (Romans 12:2 NIV) I just don't see how this is possible if we aren't giving him access to the darkest recesses of who we are, past and present. If we are self medicating with substances or activities or whatever, then we are not truly relying on God fully, we are building walls and compartments and telling him that he doesn't get to go in there. We can do this, it's our choice, but I believe it is a way to either stop growing in our faith, or to lose it altogether. We need to believe that we can trust Jesus, he is safe, and we can trust him with the most painful events of our lives.

CrossCounsel LWC Orientation Testimony

I was given an opportunity to share my personal testimony and experience with CrossCounsel International Ministries at an orientation event held at Living Water Church, and I was honored to be part of the experience. Below is the transcript of my testimony that I shared at the event:

 Shane Buol - CrossCounsel LWC Orientation Testimony

Hi my name is Shane and I’ve been coming to CrossCounsel since August of this year, but first I want to tell you about myself and what brought me here.

I had a rocky start to life, having young parents who both came from broken homes. I experienced a lot of dysfunction stemming from drug and alcohol abuse in my home, sexual abuse at the hands of a neighbor boy, and many other things. As a young man I started using drugs to escape my reality. Eventually, my parents quit drinking and became Christians, which led to me placing my faith in Jesus as well, although the core issues of my past had at this point still gone unaddressed. During my senior year of high school I was listening to some dark heavy metal music that triggered memories of the sexual abuse from my childhood and I suddenly realized that what happened to me was not normal, and I sank into a dark depression. After confiding in a friend that I was thinking about committing suicide, he called my parents and told them he was worried about me. My parents got me into counseling right away, which was my first experience in the chair. Although that method of counseling didn’t address the core feelings I had buried inside, it did provide a way for me to reframe the past and I was able to move forward without wanting to end my life.

As an adult I found myself struggling with substance abuse in various forms. As time went on, I began to realize that this was not a sustainable pattern. In 2018, I had been working long hours at my job, and my mother-in-law passed away from cancer. These events triggered what I consider some form of a mental breakdown, and my emotional walls began to crumble. I knew I needed help, so I set out to find a place that could help me sort through my issues. The first place used traditional talk therapy, and it did help in that it provided a safe space to share some of the things I kept closely guarded, but it still did not address the core issues inside. I eventually stopped going and found myself in the same cycles as before. I found another place that used more advanced methods of therapy, and I saw some wins there. That was the first time I had experience with going back to childhood memories and allowing myself to feel them. I realized for the first time how significant several of those events were and how they shaped my behavior up to that point. After going through the MELT process later with CrossCounsel, I can now see that the insights I had experienced at that place fell in line with the first half of the MELT process (M & E). It didn’t address the false beliefs I had internalized though, so I again found myself repeating cycles of past behaviors.

Around this time, I had begun to hear about CrossCounsel through the Men of Fire group at Living Water. I began listening to the podcasts regularly and couldn’t deny the power of the testimonies I would hear on there. After experiencing a bout of anxiety on a recent camping trip, I knew I had more work to do. This time, I set up my first session with CrossCounsel. To date, I have seen results in some form during each session, but I had a profound moment of truth I experienced in my most recent session just a few weeks ago.

That session was inspired by a situation that happened between my wife and I, where I reacted in my opinion, like an immature little boy. I came into my session wanting to dig at whatever was underneath this event, and I went to 4 or 5 memories from my childhood. Not long after that, I experienced a peace and warmth that came over me and I just started crying. It was as if the Lord drew a line through all of those memories and showed me that I had felt unsafe in all of them. After that, I felt the Lord tell me, “I am safe.” The effect this had on me was immediate. Although I had always known in my head that Jesus was safe, I knew that my heart just believed it for the first time. It felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. When I got home I shared my experience with my wife and my two older kids, explaining how the past memories connected with the present. As the next few weeks unfolded, I noticed that I didn’t feel the desire to guard my heart like I used to. I also wanted to share my experience with as many people as I could, because it was so powerful to me. I shared my story with several guys at Men of Fire, with some friends, and even with my Dad, who was able to confirm one of the memories and offer his own perspective on it. All of these experiences felt like a domino effect to me, like God was showing me how when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest, he will use our pain and bring something good from it. I think it was no coincidence that at this same time I was reading through Ezekiel 37, which is about his vision of the valley of dry bones. It was as if He was showing me that it’s not enough to get the skeletons out of the closet, He wants to put tendons and flesh on them and put them to use. He wants to breathe life into the dark recesses of our mind, so we can experience His love in full measure.

Faith in the fiery furnace

In this morning's Bible reading I read the classic story of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego getting thrown into the fiery furnace after they refused to worship a false god that Nebuchadnezzar had constructed for himself. I am struck by the faith of these young men, truly in awe and wondering how I would respond in a situation like that. In our modern Western society, we may not be dealing with large golden statues anymore, but be assured, there are false gods surrounding us and demanding our worship every day. The one who puts his faith in the Lord can be certain they will face hardships in this world, the Bible is full of examples of this and Jesus himself told us as much, "‭‭I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world," (John‬ ‭16:33‬ ‭NIV‬‬).

 The question I think we need to ask ourselves is, where is our trust? Do we really trust God with the entirety of our lives, even when things in our life look different than what we imagined for ourselves? Or are we more like Job, who when his wife told him to curse God and die said back to her, "‭‭You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble,” (Job‬ ‭2:10‬ ‭NIV‬‬)? When you read Job's story, it is remarkable to see what he endured, literally tragedy after tragedy, and although Job vented his frustration and emotions at God, the Bible says he never sinned in what he said, because he still trusted in who God was despite incredible hardship. To be able to have this sort of perspective in hard times, I think it is imperative that we know God and His character, we do this by studying His word, praying, and being in community with other believers regularly. I think God has given us all these stories to give us courage and to know that we can trust Him, even when our dreams are shattered. When He has the full trust of our heart, we can endure difficult times knowing that although we feel the heat of the fiery furnace, we know that the Lord is in there with us, and He will never leave us.

"Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego replied to him, “King Nebuchadnezzar, we do not need to defend ourselves before you in this matter. If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to deliver us from it, and he will deliver us from Your Majesty’s hand. But even if he does not, we want you to know, Your Majesty, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up,” (Daniel‬ ‭3:16‭-‬18‬ ‭NIV‬‬).

His ways are not our ways

This chunk of Scripture right here is like gold to me, there is so much wisdom here. I think that we often need to be reminded of an obvious truth: that we are not God. This would seem like common sense to me, but I cannot tell you how many times I have heard myself and others try to understand the ways of our Lord from our own human perspective.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah‬ ‭55:8‭-‬9‬ ‭NIV‬‬

It is so comforting and reassuring to me to know that I don't have to understand everything about this life. No matter what, my finite brain is never going to understand the infinite matters of our incredible universe. We are incredibly intelligent beings, as we are created in God's image, but we are not God, and I am so thankful. I think it is extremely important to maintain this perspective as we go through the trials of life. No matter how much wisdom we gain in this world, there are just going to be some things we will never completely understand.

The Lord has a plan for everything. He has never lost a battle, and He never will. He has revealed himself to this world through His word, which to me is one of the most compelling cases for God's existence. The fact that His word is still actively working in our world, changing people's lives for the better is an amazing truth. The Bible is the most incredible book I have ever read. It has the power to change lives, if we let it.

We are a work in progress

As believers in Christ, I think it is a wise habit to always be checking our perspective. In these times we are living, although there has always been turmoil in the world since the beginning, it is a constant temptation to lose sight of the fact that God is in control of everything. When we get too close to the things of the world though, when we're too focused on them, we can lose hope fast. The same can be true for our own personal growth and maturity in our faith. When we screw up, (which we all do, for no one is without sin the Bible says) do we feel defeated and like we're useless to the Lord? Do we refuse to forgive ourselves despite having the forgiveness of Jesus through His blood? When I find myself in this position, I like to pause and reflect on what He has done in my life, and what I know to be true about God and His character, and to give thanks and praise to Him Knowing that "...he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus," (Philippians‬ ‭1:6‬ ‭NIV‬‬). Thank you God for not giving up on your people as quickly as we often are to give up on you and ourselves.

Analyzing our belief system

I wonder, how many of us fully understand our belief system? We all believe something, or have some type of a worldview, a way in which we view life, or how we account for why things are the way they are. Perhaps some of us think about it more than others. Do you even know why you believe what you believe? Have you thought out the details about what you think you believe? Is your worldview based on what you see, and is consistent with evidence and the observable world? Or is it piece mealed together not based on facts or evidence, but rather based on culture or other's opinions and beliefs, often chosen to justify how we live, or who we think we are, essentially internally driven rather than externally? I think one of the truest tests of any worldview is to see how we handle hardships and difficulties in life. Do we find life's trials to further confirm our beliefs? And does our worldview provide a way to help cope with those hard times? Or, do we find that our worldview is actually lacking the ability to do that, and we therefore end up stealing ideas and beliefs from other worldviews or religions? I think this is often true for many modern ways of looking at the world, but are we being honest enough to see that and acknowledge the holes in our worldview? If we find this to be true, we should probably admit that we have the wrong view on life and look at alternate belief systems.

The Sound of Freedom: A Movie Review

Last night I was finally able to get out to the movie theater and see the movie "The Sound of Freedom." I have been posting about this movie for a litte bit now, but had not been able to personally view it until now. I can honestly say this was probably one of the most moving movies I have ever seen. It is so well done, and deals with a topic that a lot of people aren't aware of, or choose to turn a blind eye to. This movie is based on a true story, this stuff is really happening in our world, whether you want to accept that or not is up to you. This movie is not political in any way, for anyone to try and imply it's far-right or whatever, I really would have to question where your heart is at, because it is simply not done with that sort of bias, it is just presenting a story based on real events. I have not been so moved by a movie in a long time, it was truly refreshing to walk out and feel like I actually spent my money on something good, towards a noble cause. It was also the first time I have ever seen the audience applaud for a movie in a theater, I'm sure it happens elsewhere, but I have just never seen that, the audience literally applauded, and that was very moving to me as well, it gives me hope for our country still.

There is a scene in the movie that is repeated a couple of times, where the father of the kidnapped children looks in his daughter's bedroom and stares at her empty bed. I don't know how as a human being you could watch that and not be moved to tears. When I got home from the movie and was putting my kids to bed, I walked by my girls' room and caught a glimpse of Leona's bed before she got in it, it was temporarily empty, and my mind flashed back to that scene in the movie and I couldn't help but imagine the pain a parent feels through the loss of their child, and I was again moved to tears. I am so thankful for the children God has placed in my life, and I try and be grateful for what I have every day regardless of what life throws my way. Children are a gift from God, something we have for a short period of time, whether we are fortunate enough to not experience losing them, or whether we can see them grow into adulthood, they eventually leave our homes or we lose them in some way. I pray that we would fight for our children, and the children of the world. Children are our hope for the future, and are among the most vulnerable of the population. Let us unite together and stand up for them, since they are too young to do so themselves. Children are under attack in our world, which I see as the highest form of evil, there is truly nothing more depraved in my opinion than a person who can harm a child. They need us to defend them until they are grown up enough to understand right and wrong, good and evil, and make those decisions on their own. Until then, they are our responsibility. Will you accept that role? Will you open your eyes and be willing to see what is happening in our world today? A person who chooses to ignore reality is no defender of the weak. By opening our eyes, we can speak for the vulnerable, and defend them, and demand justice. We can collectively pray for them, something I truly believe has the power to change and heal a nation, and a world.

If you haven't yet seen "The Sound of Freedom," I implore you to do so while it's in theaters. I haven't believed in the cause of a movie for quite some time like I do this one. If you can't afford to go, Angel Studios has setup a "pay it forward" program to pay for someone else's tickets, so finances would not be a reason to not see it. If you are moved by the movie like I was and can afford to pay for a couple other tickets for someone else to see it, I would encourage you to do so.

Spread the word: God's children are not for sale.